If Hollywood is any kind of accurate predictor of the future – and I think we all know that it is – then the century ahead of us will be beset by extreme hardship, unforeseen peril and apocalyptic danger. And maybe some hover cars.
Therefore, as the current glut of apocalyptic and dystopian movies prepares us psychologically, Know Your Money thought it would be a fitting time to take heed of cinema’s prophetic teachings and suggest some niche insurance products to help you offset the financial impact of the impending doom.
The prevalence of UFO stories disseminated by Mulder & Scully et al during the late 20th century lead to opportunistic US insurers selling alien abduction insurance policies to the public. According to Wikipedia, such providers have actually paid out to successful claimants, although the source’s vague assertions waft of ET’s excrement. Cash for Cars
Anyhow, Hollywood’s output of late, disregarding the awful The Fourth Kind, suggests that the little green men have lost interest in their dubious probing programme and have shifted focus towards the eradication of our species.
Accordingly, The Invasion and War of the Worlds show savvy consumers the importance of getting covered against the significant financial repercussions of having possessions and loved ones assimilated and death-rayed, respectively; while farmers should bear Signs’s lessons in mind and acquire some protection against the little green bastards dicking around with their crops. Once the alien invaders are repelled in a last ditch effort you’ll be thankful for some financial aid as you rebuild your shattered lives.
Fictitious Critical Illness Cover
While SARS, Ebola, Necrotizing Fasciitis, H5N1, MRSA and Swine Flu can be dismissed as products of manipulative media scare-mongering, Rage, the Reaper Virus, Krippen Virus and the T-Virus are clearly threats of a much more significant and tangible nature.
Therefore, when purchasing a Critical Illness Insurance make sure that the policy covers the huge range of fictional conditions likely to cause a global epidemic in the near future. Cover for lab-created pathogens and anything spread by monkeys is essential and you should also consider protection against unexplained outbreaks of blindness and infertility.
As the citizens of Japan have known for many decades, monsters are a serious threat. Depending on size, type and disposition, even a single monster can have a catastrophic impact on urban infrastructure resulting in financial hardship for local citizens and businesses.
As well as ensuring that your home and possessions are adequately covered against the monster threat – especially if you live in a large, cinematic city – there are other factors to consider. Cloverfield, for example, demonstrates that specialist monster cover for social events can be a prudent investment; while various movies from Tremors to The Mist urge retailers to protect their businesses against the financial repercussions of a prolonged monster siege, which commonly result in the disruption of trade and the mass appropriation of stock by the besieged.
Robots, Hollywood teaches us, are lawsuits waiting to happen. They will inevitably malfunction and/or become sentient and consequently turn on their creators with a mechanical indifference to the human principles of sanctity of life and rights of ownership.
What’s more, as Hollywood soothsayer Michael Bay taught the world (twice), most robot attacks are so disorienting, loud, implausible and mind-numbingly crap that they are difficult to predict.
Businesses conducting research and development for the military technology market should take a note from Robocop’s Omni Consumer Products and ensure that their third party liability insurance can handle a few accidental employee deaths; similarly, larger operators should follow the lead of The Terminator’s Skynet, ensuring that their corporate limited liability status will get them off the hook should any of their products attempt to eradicate the human race.
Biblical Apocalypse Insurance
Not being a religious person, and since Hollywood has been suspiciously quiet on the subject, I’m not entirely sure how the battle of Armageddon, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the End Times all fit together.
The recently released Legion, however, has put an end to Hollywood’s silence on the matter, and confirms the fears of nutters around the globe: the big Charlton Heston lookalike in the sky is putting a stop to all this worldly stuff sometime soon. Although, judging by the trailer, it unlikely to clear up any theological issues.
So, before you hear the portentous clip-clop of the Four Horsemen riding into town, it might be a good idea to get yourself some Biblical Apocalypse Insurance.
When comparing policies, make sure they provide decent cover for loss of life/property/soul etc, and, crucially, check the small print to make sure that you’re not being conned into buying a policy containing an Acts of God clause.
Nuclear Holocaust Insurance
Ah yes – nuclear holocaust, the secular apocalypse du jour and cinematic staple ever since megalomaniacal nations began hoarding WMDs and adopting the wonderfully comforting strategy of mutually assured destruction.
We recommend Nuclear Holocaust Insurance to everyone, for when it happens, for whatever reason, you will either end up as a shadow on the ground or eking out a miserable existence in an uphill struggle for survival in a barren nuclear winter landscape that will almost certainly be primarily populated by mutants and/or cannibals.
Just think how much more cheerful The Road would be if Viggo Mortensen and his kid had a nice big cash payout to fall back on. They’d be set for kindling and toilet paper for the rest of their wretched lives. That’s the kind of peace of mind that only a quality insurance policy can offer.
If you are generally happy with your reality then you may want to protect yourself should it turn out to be false. A substantial payout would have certainly helped Neo adjust to his new reality of increasingly inferior sequels, and it would have made Truman Burbank decision a lot easier too.
However, if you follow the logic, then buying a Reality Insurance policy in a false reality is pointless, since if your reality turns out to be false then that would mean that any policy bought within it would not be real either.
Damned insurance salesmen, first it was PPIs and now this…
Climate change, shmlimate shmange (that’s easier to type than pronounce). Zombies are mankind’s gravest threat this century – everyone knows it, even if the blinkered scientific community is yet to catch on. Whether of the shambling, traditional variety or the faster, modern pseudo variety, zombies = doom. We know this because the zombies always win at the end of every decent zombie movie (except for Shaun of the Dead).
Some Zombie Insurance specialists advocate comprehensive policies that include combat training and access to undead-proof cruiseships, but since these policies are relatively rare, we suggest finding a provider who offers a speedy claims process that pays out on infection, so that you can settle any outstanding financial matters before you start craving human flesh. Especially shopping mall employees.
Implausible Natural Disaster Insurance
We are constantly reminded of the horrific damage that our planet’s natural systems can cause. And the only thing more catastrophic than a real-life natural disaster is a Hollywood one.
But it’s not just tidal waves and earthquakes. Oh no, if there is one thing that movies such as The Day After Tomorrow and The Happening have taught us, it’s that natural disasters are often of a much more implausible and illogical character. Therefore, when insuring against natural disaster risks, make sure that you are not only covered for threats bound by the laws of science, but also those governed by Hollywood pseudo-science and M. Night Shyamalan’s increasingly impoverished imagination.
Temporal Divergence Insurance
Cinema prophesises that, unless one of the aforementioned threats wipes us out first, it is inevitable that, at some point in the future, someone will invent time travel. And though a few will use it to explore the unknown wonders of the future, most will just travel back to dick around with the past.
Therefore, those who are happy with their lot (bastards, as some people like to call them) might want to acquire some Temporal Divergence Insurance (TDI) to cover them in the event that some time-tampering tosspot changes a past event which consequently alters their present existence.
Since time travel’s paradoxical nature will hurt your brain if you think about it too much (would you be aware that someone had changed your past? Or would your experience change to fit the new timeline? Would any change affect the contents of your TDI policy? Would you even have a TDI policy if someone altered your past?) we recommend that you buy your policy from a TDI specialist who is trained in causality loops and the general mind-melting nature of these products.